After 14 long years in development it looked liked the Duke was finally going to see the light of day. It’s easily my most anticipate game so it pains me to share with you the news that Duke Nukem Forever will never make it to retail shelves. What, exactly, is going to keep it from your grubby little hands, you ask? Is it lawsuits? Was the source code stolen like Half-Life 2, back in 2003? Or worse, is George Broussard at the helm again, endlessly perfecting every minute detail?
It’s none of the above, my friends, for I have received a message from the highest authority. No, I’m not talking about Dog the Bounty Hunter. I’m talking about his big brother, God. Yes, God. For He has saith unto thy eyes via pamphlet left on windshield, “The end of the world is almost here! Holy God will bring Judgment Day on May 21, 2011.”
What the…?! DNF won’t be out for another 24 days! Oh please, merciful God, can you possibly postpone the Rapture? For I need to flash virtual money to lay witness upon polygonal women as they shake what You gave them. I need to draw tallywhackers on in-game whiteboards and play with fecal matter. I promise to be a good apocalypse victim if You push back the fire and brimstone a couple months.
So what’s so special about May 21, 2011? How dare you ask such a ridiculous question, sinner! Okay, you’re forgiven, because it’s what Jebus would do; but back on point, we are about to embark on a journey that involves the two greatest things in history: math and religion. C’mon, who doesn’t enjoy a little math with their religion? It goes together like tuna fish and cigarettes. *sigh* Like mom used to make…
In the year 4990 B.C., it rained for forty days and forty nights, flooding the entire world. Noah, seven other people, and two of every animal were saved by boarding the tiny 450 foot ark before the catastrophe hit. They were able to survive the flood because Noah was given a heads up by God, seven days in advance. Now, if two trains were traveling towards one another, one from Poughkeepsie at 56 mph and another from Tallahassee at 45 mph, where would they crash, horribly ending the lives of many innocent women and children within its twisted and tangled metal mess?
Actually, that all makes more sense than what is asked of you to believe when it comes to why the world is ending in 17 days, because for some reason they are equating seven days to seven thousand years. The same seven days God gave Noah to prepare also equals seven thousand years for us to prepare. How they came to that conclusion beats the Hell out of me, but let’s entertain this theory for a second. So, 7,000 years after 4990 B.C. would be 2012 A.D., but you have to subtract one year because there is no year zero. That leaves us with 2011 A.D.
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